A friend of the show has recently intercepted an office memo circulating regarding the handling of conspiracy laced questioning initiated by phone call due to the high number of these types of calls that have been made to many meteorological and environmental agencies these last few months. Seems like they needed to make a standard operating procedure manual for such an encounter.
MEMORANDUM XX/XX/2017
Axxx Mxxxxxxx Gxxxxxx
(713) XXX-XXXX
76XX Oxx Grxx Plxxx
Vxxxxxxx Xxxxh, XX, 01XXX
WWW.(redacted).com
PHONE PROTOCOL CONCERNING UNSOLICITED AND/OR CONSPIRACY PROPAGANDA AND “ACTIVIST” HARASSMENT.
Always assume you are being recorded.
Always assume you interaction will be heard on YouTube within one to three hours from the interaction.
If the caller refers to herself as an activist, that means that public figure rules apply.
Openly questioning obviously wrong data is recommended. This will anger the caller and encourage her to disconnect.
Always refer to the “interoffice offenders” list to determine the order of transferring.
Never cop to having any definitive information about anything, or having a specialized degree in any field. Especially if it has anything to do with what the caller is angry about.
To waste the minimum amount of time, refer to CHEMtrails as CONtrails right away, to ensure the escalation of the call quickly.
Never refer to yourself as an expert, but always know someone who is, and refer to the “people out on vacation” list.
Make references to obvious peer reviewed research. This will escalate the call expeditiously, and the anger level may cause the caller to disconnect.
Remind the caller that you too are human, and just a cog in the machine, another obstacle between her and expert who will answer her question.
Deflect and de-escalate in odd intervals. Just to add to confusion.
It's ok to snicker at outrageously unfounded accusations. Especially if it will help you keep your composure.
If you've run out of logical explanations, just mention the EPA. This is the equivalent of a reset button. You can again try and move her on to a voicemail.
If you're up against a break or lunch, just transfer-roulette the caller to a random menu system for an entirely different department.
When all avenues have been exhausted, and the ridiculousness of the statements and accusations have just simply gone too far and the absurdity too deep, simply utter the most bewildered and frustrated “WOW” and disconnect. It's not ever our policy to hang up on people, but we can only waste so much time. No matter how unbelievable the dialog gets. If you're curious as to the nuclear word salad that is the result of a hang up, a simple YouTube search should reveal the desired query.
After the call is resolved, it is important to reassure yourself that you are not in fact a government paid shill. Or a troll. Or a disinformation agent. You were just randomly targeted by someone who is plainly ignorant of how basic science or meteorology or whatever conspiracy is popular that corresponding week. Return to your daily schedule. No complaints or disciplinary actions will be held against you for at least 2 hours after an encounter.
And please, never be the guy who forgets to bring a dish to the monthly potluck. It is highly likely that this kind of call will be immediately transferred to your extension without remorse and with no warning.
PROTOCOL APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT. EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
“It keeps saying ‘wake up’. Is this person sleep calling me?”
“Oh crap! I forgot to sign the potluck sheet!”
“No ma'am, I didn't say you were stupid. I said you were wrong.”
“Who has time to come up with this much weapons-grade derp?”
“Maybe you should turn off your computer lady.”
